do you get that feeling?

that feeling of emptiness, loss and fear all bottled up inside you that you don’t know how to handle it anymore?

and that feeling of being buried by your own emotions because you can’t contain them all at once?

i think that’s what i have been feeling for the past two weeks now. i try to distract myself as much as i can but when i’m all alone with no one to talk to, all the emotions keep coming back.  i have been fearing about my future to be really honest. i want many things to happen for myself. i want things for myself. i’m only 18 but i’ve already been thinking about how i would die in contrary to many who think of how they should survive each day. as i wrote that sentence, i realized that i’m quite a pessimistic person. instead of looking at the fuller side, i tend to focus on its emptiness. i don’t know why i’m like, again. 

i want to be happy again. not only when i’m with my friends or when i’m surrounded with lots of people but also when i’m all alone. i’d like to enjoy the being alone again. i’d like to be able to see that there’s something good for me and that i’m actually good for something. that i’m worth something.

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i don’t express…

i don’t express my true feelings often………….because i’m afraid to.

i don’t know why but i’m always too afraid to give people the response they wouldn’t like. i’m always driven by the thought that they would think bad of me. yes, i can express who i am to my friends and to God, but i have difficulties being myself to someone who’s older or who has more authority than i do. sometimes, i feel too intimidated because i think they are smarter and just better than i am. another is that i feel shy around people that aren’t younger or the same age as me.  and last but not the least, i don’t want to disappoint them.

some people expect a lot from me. i remember when my Chemistry teacher told me that i was his prospect as student leader. i’m not very competitive myself. i do care for my studies and a lot of different things but i can’t handle too much responsibilities. i’m not as outstanding as i think or as they think i can be.

because of those expectations thrown unto me, i got this habit of telling people what they want to hear from me and not what i really want to tell them. it’s really hard to get over this. i know people might tell me to just be confident and express myself but i also know that it’s easier said than done.

i just wanna be me. and be happy.

buti pa nga si Budoy laging happy, sana ako rin. 😦 🙂

well then, this has been my blog entry for March 25, 2012.

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NOTE: see the last sentence? that was 5 days before my HS graduation. the reason why i did not post this is because i was afraid to. afraid that someone i know might be reading my blog.

i was feeling so bad because i have disappointed a lot. mostly because they expected too much from me. 

but i’ve moved on. i’m all happy now.

read me.

nobody informed me that it is October 19th today.

LOL. what a lame complaint!! aha 🙂

Prelims week next week! i haven’t done any reviewing to be real honest. i don’t know where to start. -__-

Wish me luck please? Whoever you are, wish me luck. If you’re reading this, please do wish me luck. Pray for me! Yes, my life depends on this. 😛

I just want to maintain my grades or rather, make them higher so then I’ll be a full scholar. Please, Lord!

right, no nerves. no worries. Just faith with action. 🙂

October 19, 2012.