do you get that feeling?

that feeling of emptiness, loss and fear all bottled up inside you that you don’t know how to handle it anymore?

and that feeling of being buried by your own emotions because you can’t contain them all at once?

i think that’s what i have been feeling for the past two weeks now. i try to distract myself as much as i can but when i’m all alone with no one to talk to, all the emotions keep coming back.  i have been fearing about my future to be really honest. i want many things to happen for myself. i want things for myself. i’m only 18 but i’ve already been thinking about how i would die in contrary to many who think of how they should survive each day. as i wrote that sentence, i realized that i’m quite a pessimistic person. instead of looking at the fuller side, i tend to focus on its emptiness. i don’t know why i’m like, again. 

i want to be happy again. not only when i’m with my friends or when i’m surrounded with lots of people but also when i’m all alone. i’d like to enjoy the being alone again. i’d like to be able to see that there’s something good for me and that i’m actually good for something. that i’m worth something.

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